I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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