The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
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This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
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No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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