i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
