sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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