I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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