So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
