in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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