I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
