Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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