you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
