I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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