i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
