so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
