Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
