the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
