Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
