Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
