I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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