So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
