I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
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Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
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Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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