and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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