My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
In America we eat man semen.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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