Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
