so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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