side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
