In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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