found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
