The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
