Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
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I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
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Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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