Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
