No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
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Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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