why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
