I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Randomize
