Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
