That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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