You can't motorboat a personality
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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