Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
