I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
