My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
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I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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