all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
