I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
