I just pynch a tree in the face
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
