There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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