She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
