It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
