Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
