My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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