If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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