I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
