The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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