Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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