Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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