you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
