The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I haven't been this sober since birth.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
