O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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