So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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