I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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