You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
