just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
