uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
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It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
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Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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