My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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