i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Your penis caused this!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
