They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We left an ass print on the piano.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
